Nightwish Is As Good Today as They Were With Tarja, by Erik (Ghost of L’Opera Populaire)

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am writing to you as MetalSlayer’s official critic of all types of music and, of course, as the being once known as the fearsome “Phantom of the Opera” to express my sincere appreciation for the concert I recently watched by melodic symphonic speed operatic guitar metal band Nightwish (whilst, of course, perched upon the rafters; I would never be so daft as to buy tickets when I can merely insert myself into the stage itself, hiding within it so as to better experience the reverberations of the music that emanates from… ah, you get the idea.)

In any case, I have been a quite sincere follower of the Kitee, Finland orchestral metallic progressive music rock quintet since their earliest work, all of which of course emanates from the genius of their keyboardist, a Mr. Tuomas Holopainen. Although Mr. Holopainen’s frequent references to literature that has not found its way to my dank cave, such as “Walt Disney” and “J.R.R. Tolkien,” often make his music difficult to follow, I especially appreciate his recent engagement with the ideas of a genius gentleman of my own time, the scientist known as Charles Darwin. I wish only that I could emerge from the shadows to meet this new great scientist who narrates Nightwish’s latest album, Endless Forms Most Beautiful, and discuss the mysteries of science with him! Surely he has spent the last several decades immersed in scientific research of a most objective sort, and has not allowed himself to become distracted with arguments and petty disagreements of the sort that ended my tenure as the owner of L’Opera Populaire.

In any case, let us turn our thoughts to the matter: on many of these “modern communication platforms” of which I hear, there have been those who speak ill of Nightwish in its present state! Some say that the band’s shift from a pure operatic style to one more centered around contemporary rock beats was its downfall. Others say that the fateful choice made by Mr. Holopainen and the others of the band to expel the original vocalist, Tarja Turunen, from the band by means of a letter handed to her at the end of her final concert, was an act of cruelty and that without Senora Turunen, the band had none of its original qualities. Au contraire, I say to you, ladies and gentlemen! As you know, I have made a similar decision not once, but twice. Senora Turunen’s decision to marry a businessman who was involved in the band’s affairs was of course inappropriate, as it kept her from true devotion to making the music that Senor Holopainen produces. And not merely a letter, but an open letter! Genius, I say — not even I could think of that.

Other naysayers felt that the band’s replacement for Senora Turunen, Mrs. Annette Olzon, was satisfactory, but the truth is the the fans were hardly bereft when Annette left, and in any case she got pregnant without asking so what did she expect? The band has now hired Miss Floor Jansen, and as I can say from my perch above the rafters, the band with her truly recognizes Holopainen’s vision. I have but two concerns for Mr. Holopainen:

1. Good Senor, you are indeed a musical genius! How can you tolerate having a vocalist who not only has played with other artists, but who has her own band? How are you to convince her to sing with you the music of the night if you have not sung to her softly for as long as she can remember?
2. While your beard and hat do indeed fail to match the fashion conventions of your time, I must say that I do not believe you are nearly as hideous as I! Your frequent references to yourself as an “ugly duckling” and how your “song cannot but borrow the grace” of the various ladies who serve as vessels for your music would be far more persuasive if people actually shrunk away from looking at your face. For shame, good sir — I believe the people of your time would say to stop appropriating my suffering!

Nevertheless, the success of Nightwish has convinced me that this “rock and roll” might still have some room for me. I’ll sneak into a guitar store and steal some instruments, and select a new vessel for my music. And as for my readers: do not let the naysayers convince you otherwise! Nightwish has not been in any way diminished by their lineup changes through the years, and as long as Mr. Holopainen remains their leader — I believe he calls himself “the dead boy” — then they shall truly be a triumph of male necrocracy.

Yours truly,
O.G.