Donald Trump is the Good Guy: An Alternate Take, by Sheev Palpatine

Folks, I’m not going to beat around the bush. We all know and love the fantastic holosaga POLITICS OF THE EAGLES, in which the heroic Democratic Party, led by heroes like Al Gore, Hillary and Bill Clinton, and Bernie “Swordslinger” Sanders, fight the evil Grand Old Party and eventually achieve victory. But I’m about to propose that we look at it from a different angle, in the wake of coming Parliamentary elections, and specifically the real-world issue of the recent move by my esteemed colleague Senator Jar Jar Binks to grant me emergency powers to deal with the so called Confederacy of Independent Systems (CIS), a name which shall live in infamy. What if the Democrats on EAGLES aren’t really, as any viewer would casually imagine, a metaphor for myself, Senator Binks, and my supporters like the average men and women of the Galactic Republic? What if the villains of the holoserial aren’t the Republicans, but are in fact the Democrats themselves? Perhaps most controversially, what if I, myself, am most similar to the series’ most formidable villain so far, Donald Trump?

I know this must be hard to wrap your minds around, but bear with me: like myself, Trump does whatever is necessary to protect the people of the Republic, or in his case, the mystic land of “America.” We may disagree with some of his decisions — for instance, his desire to ban all people of the Muslim religion from his domain. But is such a decision REALLY the act of a villain? Are Sanders, Clinton, and Lord Gore really justified in uniting to oppose and denounce him? Imagine if you, the citizens of the Galaxy, had objected to Senator Binks’s motion to give me special war powers, with which I indeed do intend to use to stop the movement of alien species from one planet to the next? Really changes how you look at it, doesn’t it?

Let’s look at another example: in order to battle the CIS scum, I have created an army of clones, who are genetically and mentally human beings, but whose lives are utterly expendable in the service of war. Now, in the fictional land of America, the “heroic” Democrats argue that no lives are expendable. If Bernie Sanders were real and could apply his ideology to our galaxy, we would have no access to clone troopers and no way to destroy CIS! Again, applying a real world lens to this fiction really changes how you look at it, doesn’t it?

In any case, next time you watch POLITICS OF THE EAGLES, I encourage you to watch it with an open mind. Perhaps the Democratic Party is not a metaphor for my campaign, but for the Rebel Alliance that even now forms to destroy our unity. Perhaps Donald Trump does not represent a pacifist, cowardly politician like Valorum, but instead represents what I myself stand for — strength and unity!

Yours truly,